Snippets
by Cookie Pixie
Summary: [SD3] A bug begins to ruin the adventure for our Mana Heroes. Formerly a poke at all the weird things SD3 won't let you do. INCOMPLETE, DISCONTINUED.
1. Jad

It came to me when I was reading RPG World (web comic). They'll be a series of scenes that deserve humour with different characters, minus Kevin. I also have not played SD3 for a while, so some of the scenes (okay, most if not all) have been ad libbed.  
**Standard disclaimer**: Squaresoft's 'Seiken Densetsu 3' belongs to...well, not me. Don't own them, don't make money off them.  


* * *

"We, the Beastmen, have taken control of this town!"  
Hawk stared at the burly Beastman, then back at the sailor who had brought him here. "I thought this place was safe!" he yelled.  
"The Beastmen have taken control of the docks. We can't leave."  
"WHY NOT? Let me through - I want to see this!"  
"The Beastmen have taken control of the docks. We can't leave."  
Hawk stared and the blank, scripted sailor. "You know, if it weren't for the fact that we're in a town, I'd be slapping you around pretty badly."  
"The Beastmen have - "  
"I GET IT!"  
Hawk whirled on his heel and glared furiously. Here he was, trapped in a town of scripted people who seemed to have nothing better to do than step around randomly.  
"And I'm a thief, but I can't steal from anybody. DOES THIS NOT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE ELSE?"  
"The Beastmen have - "  
"SHUT UP ALREADY!"  
  
Across the inn Duran could see a purple-haired girl sleeping, half-naked, on the far bed. Grinning at his luck to see that one-room inns were actually an international fad, he went over to the girl and examined her.  
"HEY!"  
Duran jumped back as the girl suddenly leapt up on the bed, fully clothed in a skimpy red dress.  
"Stay away from me, you pervert!" she yelled, edging her way back to her bed. "Don't you dare get touch me again! I've got my eye on...you..."  
Suddenly she collapsed under the covers, asleep and half-naked again.  
Duran blinked. "Uh..." Wondering if there was something wrong with the girl, he poked her again.  
Duran jumped back as the girl suddenly leapt up on the bed, fully clothed in a skimpy red dress...  
  
"Wait until night - something strange happens to all these Beastmen at that time."  
Riesz raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Like what?"  
"Wait until night - something strange happens to all these Beastmen at that time."  
Riesz's eyes slid away suspiciously. "Ri-i-i-ight..." 


	2. Rabite Forest

"Okay, run by me how these Mana Statues work," Hawk said.  
"It's really simple," Riesz said. "You touch them, and you get healed."  
She demonstrated by putting her hand on the Mana Goddess statue. The area filled with a strange aura and weird sound, and Riesz's HP and MP were restored.  
"Wow." Hawk was impressed. "And that's what a solid gold one does?"  
"Yeah."  
Hawk looked around. Then he went up to the statue and started hacking off a piece.  
"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?_" screamed Riesz.  
"Do you realize how much this stuff would be worth on the market?" Hawk asked. "I'm surprised that it's even still here! SOLID GOLD? Who would spend so much money and energy to put something like this out in the middle of nowhere?"  
"But...but - "  
"Besides, let's assume the stereotypical plot," Hawk went on. "We probably end up saving the world from some life-or-death fate because it coincidentally gets involved with out own personal problems."  
"Yeah..."  
"Wouldn't it make sense to carry a chunk of this around? We'd save a bundle on inns, and big boss battles - instant heal!"  
Riesz leaned on her spear, a thoughtful look flitting across her face. "Good point..."  
  
"Watch this," Angela told Duran.  
Angela leapt forward and bashed a Rabite on the head, earning herself a loud 'thwack' sound. However, what caught Duran's attention was a large, purple '7' that flew out of the little yellow thing.  
"Hey...where'd that number come from?" Duran asked.  
"I'm really not sure," the princess admitted. "I've never had to fight a wild monster before."  
However, Angela was unprepared for the Rabite's retaliation. It leapt forward and smacked the purple-haired princess in the leg with a loud 'ding', biting down with teeth.  
"Ow!" Angela yelled, kicking off the wild monster as a red '4' flew out of her.  
"Are you hurt?" Duran asked, quickly finishing off the Rabite with a slash of his sword.  
Angela peered at her leg. There wasn't a mark.  
"Good," she said. "I wouldn't want to scar."  
  
"Hawk," Riesz asked, "what do we do with these corpses?"  
The thief peered at the pair of dead Mushbooms Riesz was holding in her hands. "Ooh. Gimme."  
Riesz handed Hawk the bodies. "I hope something humane."  
"Riesz, this is a video game," Hawk said. "A somewhat generic RPG. There's only one thing you can do with dead bodies of random monsters."  
Hawk opened up a tree's hidden panel, revealing Square's Monster Body - Money Converter MachineTM (henceforth known as 'Square's MBMCMTM'). He stuffed the dead Mushbooms into one end. Out the other came a pile of luc.  
"Instant cash," Hawk announced.  
"O...kay..." Riesz picked up a share and stared at it. "Why do we call these things 'luc' anyway? I can understand gold pieces, silvers, cash...but why 'luc'?"  
"Little Ugly Coin."  
"Makes sense."  
  
"What's that?" asked Angela.  
She was pointing with her staff at a tiny yellow thing in the ground.  
Duran walked over to it. "I'm really not sure," he said, prodding it with his sword. "I've never - "  
Duran was abruptly launched hundreds of kilometres into the air.  
Angela stood and watched for a while as Duran rapidly vanished from sight. She pulled at her gloves, checking her nails for a moment before slipping them back on. Looking up, she watched Duran come hurtling from the sky and hit the ground, bouncing once or twice before lying still.  
"Duran, are you all right?" Angela yelled, shocked.  
Duran held up a hand to silence the princess.  
"I was thrown straight up into the sky, high enough to see the entire continent, and came back smashing down into the ground. I should, technically, be mangled beyond repair, but I haven't taken any damage."  
The young fighter sat up. "But when a Rabite runs into me, I take three damage."  
"I'm honestly starting to think those Rabites aren't the cuddly little creatures they seem to be," Angela muttered. "They must be a rabid genetic mutation or something." 


	3. Astoria

"Bet you don't see much of the 'common' life when you're in the castle, don't you," Hawk asked.  
Hawk and Riesz had entered an item shop. Riesz was somewhat confused by all the empty shelves - no, wait, there _were_ no shelves. Just wood and stone walls, a counter and a dancing shopkeeper.  
"Uh, yeah," Riesz said hesitantly. "How do you buy and sell stuff here?"  
"It's a little trickier than you think," Hawk said, hauling out all their items in their bag. Square's MBMCM(tm) had supplied them with plenty of candy and chocolate, but these things - 'ChibiDevil's Eye' - were just a little too weird to keep around.  
"Excuse me," Hawk said to the shopkeeper. "I'd like to sell a few items."  
"Ah!" answered the man, not missing a step in his dance. "So what do you have?"  
Hawk proceeded to juggle a bundle of candy, chocolate and three ChibiDevil's Eyes in the air. "I'm willing to sell the eyes," he said as he attempted to hand the pinkish-purple items to the man.  
"The outside world is filled with a lunatic system," Riesz muttered.  
  
As she entered Astoria's weapon store, Angela examined her staff. It was a simple cane of thick hardwood, polished to a shine, but if the inevitable happened (defeating an almighty evil against numbing odds) she figured that she'd have to upgrade. At least to something that wouldn't risk splintering when she bashed something harder than a rabid bunny or a walking mushroom.  
Angela looked up and saw a cane - made of wood, of course, but it did look more sturdy than her current one, not to mention less beat up. It had was capped at one end to protect the bottom from wear and tear while the top had a simple but sharp piece protruding from it.  
"How much?" she asked the shop owner when Duran entered the store, grumbling about the lack of good alcohol he'd had in the past day.  
"75 luc," answered the dancer.  
Duran, who had followed after Angela and was now standing beside her, counted the coins in his purse.  
"Damn," he muttered. "We're about twenty short."  
"Come on!" Angela yelled, pulling Duran along with her. "We'll be right back!" she called out to the shopkeeper. "We're just going to go out and kill something!"  
  
"Only 10 luc a night for the two of you," the innkeeper said cheerily.  
Hawk looked over to Riesz.  
"Sounds like a good deal to me," he told her as he handed out the cash. He wasn't exactly wild about leaving this town to sleep in the middle of the forest just to save 10 luc. Besides, there were other places out there willing to charge ten times (or more!) this price - he wasn't going to complain.  
Riesz, however, was not as easily bought. Hawk struck up a conversation with the innkeeper about the local floating light that visited the town as Riesz examined the place. It certainly wasn't the hole that Jad contained, resembling more of a guest home than an inn, but something was irritating her...  
She checked the inn room again and again. Clean shelves, thick curtains, spotless carpet, neat bed -  
**BED?**  
"**HEY!**" roared Riesz in the innkeeper's face, her head turning into a flaming mass and fangs appearing in her mouth. "**THERE'S ONLY ONE BED HERE!**"  
Hawk blinked naively. "So..."  
"HOW ARE THE TWO OF US EXPECTED TO SHARE ONE ROOM?"  
"Well I never had more than one visitor a night here," the innkeeper babbled, sweatdropping profusely. "But I guess there's a first time for everything, right?"  
"**DO YOU REALIZE WHAT PEOPLE FROM MY KINGDOM THINK OF WHEN A GUY AND A GIRL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED?!**"  
"N...no..." stammered the poor man. "I have yet to ask..."  
"Ah, relax," Hawk said, waving a careless hand. "I'm sure he doesn't mean any harm. I guess you'll just have to grin and bear it tonight. Besides, what could possibly happen - you could see this light that he's been talking about for the first time, the one that's keeping everyone awake around here."  
Riesz gaped, her mouth opening and shutting for a few long moments. Then she covered her face and screamed, "I AM SURROUNDED BY PERVERTS! NOOOO!" before racing out of the inn.  
"I honestly think that there's something wrong with that girl," Hawk muttered as he watched Riesz disappear down the road, kicking up a trailing dust cloud.  
"She has a sick, sick mind," said the innkeeper, shaking his head.  
  
"Ya da da da, ya da-da..." sang the shopkeeper as he twirled on his foot, dancing with his arms above his head.  
On the floor beside him, hidden by the counter, was a record player being worked by a little Poyozo doll. Taped on the wall next to it was a simple poster: "International Dancing Shopkeeper's Competition - Show Off Your Best! When: right after the evil that threatens the Earth gets destroyed."  
He looked up to see Angela and Duran return with a few slain Rabites over the fighter's shoulder, never missing a step as he continued to twirl incessantly.  
"Why do you do that?" Angela demanded. "Is there a reason why you have to keep on dancing for eternity?"  
"No reason," answered the shopkeeper, preparing to juggle his list of items to purchase in the air. "None at all." 

* * *

Poyozo dolls are so cute! ^.^ 


	4. Cave of Waterfalls

I'm thinking about dropping the Angela/Duran storyline...Hawk and Riesz are just so much more hilarious, in my opinion, and at this rate I'll run out of ideas. 

* * *

Riesz gave Hawk a skeptical look as he diced a zombie apart, then picked up the corpse and started to haul it off to a rock.  
"Hawk, maybe we should stop," Riesz said as he shoved the body into Square's MBMCM(TM). "I think there's only so much luc you can pump out of it."  
Hawk snorted, then bent over to scoop up the pile of coins. "There's no such thing as 'too much money' when you're dealing with a thief," he scoffed.  
"Your purse is going to explode," Riesz pointed out.  
The thief looked down at his money pouch, and he seemed shocked at how it looked. It was stretched to the limit, bulging and heavy from all the luc inside it.  
Then he pulled at the drawstrings and the purse deflated, as though it had been emptied.  
Riesz gawked. "How..."  
Hawk poured the coins into his seemingly-empty purse, drawing the strings tight before grinning at her. "Standard thief gear. How else do you carry all your money?"  
The princess was speechless. "What _is_ that?"  
"Square's Anti-Theft Purse(TM)," grinned Hawk (henceforth known as Square's ATP(TM)). "Holds an infinite amount of money and can't be stolen or picked."  
Riesz's mouth opened, then shut, then opened again.  
"Who the _hell_ is this 'Square'?" she screamed, throwing down her spear in frustration. "Is it some sort of god, more powerful than the Mana Goddess herself? And if it is, why haven't I heard of it before?!"  
"Well, um..." Hawk scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, Square's a bit of this indestructable force that created everything, even the Goddess."  
"I don't believe you!" shrilled Riesz, horrified.  
"Square also created our lives," Hawk explained. "Predestiny and all that, and dozens of other worlds."  
"You're lying!" Riesz yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Hawk. "There's no such thing as Square! It didn't create us, it didn't make our lives like some cheesy script, and we're not generic rolplaying characters in some game of destiny!"  
Hawk watched the furious princess grab her spear and storm away. She was so upset that when a Battum flew into her way she lashed out with a blow that killed the Battum on impact, leaving nothing but a bloody pulp between a set of wings.  
"Princesses are _so_ sheltered," he sighed.  
  
"So what'd you get?" Angela asked.  
"Nine Round Candies, nine Pakkun Chocolates, nine Puipui Grasses and nine Stardust Herbs," grinned Duran.  
"Where do you store it all?" Angela wondered.  
"Ever wonder why my dexterity is so low?"  
"Huh?"  
Very carefully Duran reached into his chestplate and gingerly pulled out a foil-wrapped bar. He unwrapped the bar and took a bit, grinning.  
"It's barely melted," he said with a bright smile. "Hey, you want one? I think there's one under my right arm - "  
"OH GODDESSS THAT'S DISGUSTING!" screamed Angela, running away.  
"Jeez," Duran muttered. He wiped his mouth and stared after the princess. "Where else would I put all this stuff?"  
  
"AUGH!"  
"HAWK!"  
With an unlucky blow from a zombie, Hawk was poisoned. He quickly dispatched the enemy with his dagger before staggering away, green bubbles coming out of his head.  
"Uh, is that normal?" Riesz asked.  
"Sure, green bubbles coming out of my head are normal," Hawk snapped a little sarcastically. "It's also normal to gradually lose HP and SOUND LIKE A TICKING TIME BOMB WHILE I'M AT IT!"  
"Why don't you heal yourself?" Riesz yelled back, taken aback by Hawk's anger.  
"Just kill the Battum."  
Riesz leap forward and smack the Battum, a bold purple '10' flying out of it. She backed away from its gnashing teenth, waiting for her spear to get light enough to lift again, then slashed again, killing the monster.  
She turned to Hawk. "Okay, I - hey, no more green bubbles."  
"Yeah," Hawk said, sheathing his knives and running over to Riesz. "Conditions vanish when all the monsters in an area are dead."  
"That's, uh, great."  
  
Duran and Angela turned into a passage, revealing a glowing waterfall, a rocky ledge and -  
"Help!"  
Duran automatically walked up to the struggling girl and knelt. "Don't worry, I've got you!"  
The girl started to slide up the edge of the path until she reached a safe level to stand on. "Thank you!" she yelled. "Carlie was sure that she was a goner!"  
Angela held out her hand and counted on her fingers as she examined Duran's rescuee. "Curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, half the height of the man characters, requires rescuing from an unsafe height, speaks in third person - Duran, we have met out Annoyingly Cute but Somewhat Useful Character."  
"Carlie's not 'somewhat useful'!" argued back the girl. "Carlie's fifteen years old!"  
"Wears brightly-coloured clothes that scream 'cuteness', pretends to be the same age as the heroes..."  
"What are you doing here?" Duran asked.  
"Cue cutscene!" announced Angela.  
  
_ "Carlie saw you go in - "  
Duran and Angela walked into the Cave of Waterfalls, trailed by the girl (whose name is presumably Carlie).  
"I took a wrong turn - "  
Carlie hopped down a set of stairs, went into a side cave and stood in midair for a while before looking surprised and falling down a level.  
"If you hadn't come along, I would've been a goner for sure!"  
Fadeout Carlie, clinging to the edge of the ledge, and Duran and Angela entering.  
_   
"Um, well, we're going to go see the Priest of Light," said Duran a little awkwardly.  
"Priest of Light?" Carlie yelped. "My grandpa's the Priest of Light! Carlie'll join you!" With that, she ran to the back of line, behind Angela. "Lead on Duran!"  
"HOLD IT!" Angela yelled, turning on her heel and glaring at Carlie.  
Carlie froze, then stared back with her over-innocent blue eyes. "Yeah?"  
"You stopped using your third-person back there!"  
Uh oh. "What does Angela mean? Carlie doesn't know - "  
"AND I NEVER TOLD YOU OUR NAMES!"  
Duran, the typical brawn-over-brains man, stared blankly. "Huh?"  
Carlie stared back, then grinned. "Maybe Carlie has really pretty magical powers!" she yelled happily. "Maybe she's got lots of powerful spells that make Carlie really weird!"  
They watched Carlie skip away, laughing maniacally as she bounced up and down. Duran moved to follow her, but Angela's cane snaked forward and snagged him around his neck.  
The fighter found himself face-to-face with a set of very angry violet eyes.  
"You feed that kid one chocolate," hissed Angela, "one candy, one _whiff_ of sugar, and I'll make you wish you never left Forcena." 


	5. Wendel

I'm ditching the Angela/Duran party right now, just because I really don't want to write them up. If someone desperately wants them back, however, I'll give them the appearances. ^.^  
**Keep on reviewin'!** I didn't realize people were still reading this! This story truly lives on reviews, I swear it! 

* * *

After what had seemed like an eternity (which was actually ten minutes, but no one really checks now, do they) Hawk and Riesz finally hauled themselves out of the Cave.  
"I hate that place," snarled Riesz as the two of them went entered Holy City Wendel. "Why does Wendel have to be hidden behind a stupid maze like that?"  
"Well, there are two other ways to get to Wendel," Hawk said as he pulled out a map. "One is to travel through the Scorching Desert and then cross an impassable lake."  
"Wait, why's it impassable?" Riesz asked.  
"Because no boats go from Oasis Village Deen, the only way's to cross the desert," Hawk explained patiently. "The other way is to cross the wilderness from Merchant City Byzel and crawl through the Ancient Ruins of Light to here, which, of course, has no exit in the first place, since the only way to get to the Ruins is by...um...actually, you can't get there."  
Riesz grabbed the map and peered at it. It was a full-colour map of the world. In the lower right-hand corner was a box showing an enlarged area of Wendel. To her surprise, she saw glowing dots on the world and inset maps where she and Hawk were.  
"What is this?" Riesz demanded.  
"Square's Cheater's Guide World Map(TM) (henceforth known as Square's CGWM(tm)," Hawk announced proudly.  
Riesz facefaulted. "Why...me...okay, just point out where the Temple of Light is," the Amazon said tiredly.  
"Right above us," Hawk said, pointing at a sign. It read "Temple of Light" with an arrow pointing up.  
Riesz looked up. She saw a transparent sky of glass that showed vague shapes behind it. "Hey, don't we normally get clouds?"  
"No, not really, that's just Square looking down on us," Hawk informed his companion.  
"Look, I told you already, shut up about your Goddess-cursed cult before I - "  
"Don't look up, I meant up in our two-dimensional world," Hawk hurriedly filled in. He pulled Riesz forward into what looked like nothingness.  
"Wait, the path ends - Hawk, you're leading us off the edge of the world - "  
Riesz blinked as the world closed up into darkness, then faded into the Temple of Light. "What the heck?"  
"Screen change," Hawk said. "Shall we?" 


	6. The Temple of Light

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, despite my lack of updating. Angela and Duran return for this episode, but only because...well, if I told you, that'd spoil it, ne? ^.^ 

* * *

Inside the Temple of Light Riesz was promptly lost.  
"Er, where are we?" she asked Hawk.  
"Temple of Light," Hawk said.  
"No, I mean _where_ in the Temple," Riesz said.  
"At, the, front, entrance," Hawk said slowly, as though Riesz was slow.  
"Are you mocking me?"  
"Of course not, princess."  
Riesz's eyes narrowed as the two of them strolled down the temple. "Don't you find it the least bit suspicious that they let us in so easily?" she asked Hawk.  
"No, not really," Hawk said. He took in the interior. "I mean, NPCs aren't the brightest bunch."  
Riesz considered. "I _thought_ my Amazons acted strange..."  
  
"Um...Carlie wait outside!"  
Angela and Duran turned to see Carlie run behind a tree just as the screen changed.  
"What was that about?" Angela asked Duran. "I mean, the brat lives here, right? At least, that's what I picked up, with the whole cleric and clothes thing."  
"Maybe she was supposed to stay at the temple," Duran suggested, "but had to leave to go on some crazy quest to search for a loved one who will soon fall prey to the ways of darkness, but if she returns to the temple she'll be locked up for disobedience."  
Angela snorted. "Puh-leeze. That's got to be the lamest sub-plot I've _ever_ heard of."  
"And then, later, we'll fight the guy, and just as one of us deals him a killing blow he's released from his spell, and we all get entertained by an amazing backstory that fills us in on Carlie's mysterious past," Duran continued as they entered the temple.  
"Duran, shut up about your stupid subplots on a temporarily non-existent character before I belt you something with my temporarily non-existent magic."  
  
"I am sorry, that curse sounds familiar, but I do not have the strength to remove it."  
Hawk hmmed at the Priest's reply. "Then could you suggest to me a magician even more powerful than you that could help me? I'm sure a guy like you has connections."  
"You can ask the spirits, there is one in the Cave of Waterfalls," the Priest politely informed Hawk. "He is Wisp, the spirit of the light, but his presence has weakened lately. And...wait, the Kingdom That Shall Never Fall has fallen?!" the Priest abruptly screeched at Riesz.  
"Yeah," Riesz said. "I'm sure that even in a backwater location like this, someone's bound to hear something."  
For a long time, the Priest said nothing.  
"Uh, Priest of Light?" Riesz asked, worried. "Didn't mean to be disrespectful..."  
"Could you _please_ help us?" pleaded Hawk.  
Suddenly the Priest fell over dead.  
**"WHAT THE - "**  
Hawk slapped a gloved hand over the princess' mouth, staring at the now-KO'ed Priest of Light.  
"I think you just gave him a heart attack with your news," the thief informed Riesz.  
"Maybe...you know, we should RUN," Riesz suggested quietly.  
"Good plan," Hawk said, and the two would-be heroes bolted.  
  
Duran and Angela raced in, only to find several priests and guards milling around, all looking very worried.  
"What's going on?" Angela shrilled. She'd never live it down if one of these octogenarians tried to look up her skirt!  
"The Priest of Light had a heart attack!" one of the men said.  
The duo looked very uncomfortable. "Uh, well, he was old..."  
"But he'll recover if you get the Mana Goddess," said a guard. "If you can get a messenger to open the gate to the Mana Holyland for you, then she can solve all of your problems. You'll also need the strength of the eight spirits though. The spirit of light, Wisp, is at the Cave of Waterfalls, although his presence has been weakened."  
The two-thirds of a future hero party stared at the guard.  
"Okay, I'm a back-up data file just in case any bugs caused the Priest of Light programme to crash," the guard said irritably. "Some idiot player on the other save state caused a bug that infected the rest of the game. Even missed out on this."  
Here he held up a little wicker cage. Inside was a little fairy, looking very put out.  
"You'll need that and the eight spirits to open up the Mana Holyland," the guard continued as Angela tied the glowing thing to her waist. "Don't have to feed it. Comes with useless information, a helpful spell or two - which is worth squat as soon as the Princess here gets her magic and the Fairy opens up the Gate - and is an amazing source of light in caves, dungeons and night areas."  
"So...do we have to come back here for anything?" Duran asked curiously.  
"Please. This is a backwater location. I'm surprised that we have pilgrims in the first place. After you're done your cutscenes here, there's really no reason to return. Unless you want to get Carlie off your backs."  
"Uh, well, looks like we ought to hurry," Angela said, looking out the door.  
"Don't worry about it. Nothing bad happens until some inopportune moment."  
"Oh." Duran looked at Angela. "Bar?"  
"Sounds good to me."  
As the two wannabe heroes left, the back-up data file guard looked up at the ceiling.  
"And may Square protect us all." 


	7. Cave of Waterfalls 2, Save State 2

Possibly the longest chapter yet, and it only contains one save state! The Duran/Angela/Carlie save state is considered the second one because Hawk got the very first scene in the game, hence the Hawk/Riesz save state is the first one.  
  
Thank you all very much for your reviews (although at this point there's only one review added on from last chapter - thank you, Lina Inverse!). I should really try to list all the people here and send out my appreciation, but one can say 'Thank you' so many times before it's meaninglessly copied and pasted... 

* * *

The heroic trio returned to the stupid cave. In the lead was Duran, holding the cage that held the fairy. Next was Angela, who was engrossed in the little manual that accompanied the fairy. Drawing up the rear was Carlie - despite the older adventurers' early doubts, the young cleric quickly proved she was as adept at the morningstar as Duran was with his sword.  
Which was saying a lot, seeing that Duran was this year's winner of Forcena's annual Castle Festival's Single Swordsman Duel, Under-20 Division, and the youngest soldier of the Forcenan guard.  
On the other hand, Forcena had been squashed like a bug by Angela's ex-kingdom.  
It was a good thing that Carlie was trying to learn magic too.  
"Whoa!"  
"ACK!"  
"EEK!"  
Duran had stopped dead in his tracks. This had caused the nice little domino effect of Angela walking straight into him and Carlie into Angela. It was a good thing that they couldn't budge the armoured knight, or else they would've taken a nasty little tumble.  
For a few minutes the three heroes looked down, eyes straining to see the point where the waterfall met ground.  
Then: "Duran, you idiot, we're lost!"  
"No we aren't! I know _exactly_ where we are!"  
"Then where are we?"  
"At a dead end!"  
"You should've bought that map!"  
"I don't need no bloody map!"  
"You could've at least gotten directions!"  
"Well, you're a woman, you wouldn't understand why I won't take directions!"  
**_"EXCUSE ME?"_**  
"Um, guys?"  
"Carlie, us big people are having a conversation, just wait a minute."  
"I AM NOT AN IDIOT!"  
"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU MEN AND YOUR INABILITY TO GET HELP WHEN YOU'RE LOST?"  
**"LOOK!"**  
Duran and Angela broke off their arguing to look at the little girl, who had somehow managed to take the captive fairy from Duran's hands. She bounced over to a coloured spot on the edge of the ledge, then stepped down on it.  
A big green text box opened up over Carlie's head, containing the words: "What will you do?"  
"Ha!"  
Carlie threw the fairy into the air, pressing her foot down on the spot again. The text box vanished as Carlie caught the caged fairy.  
The fairy stawrted saying something. Unfortunately, the parts that the group could discern from the high-pitched chatter were in a foreign language.  
"I don't believe it," Duran groaned.  
"Neither do I," agreed the princess.  
"The fairy has something to say, but she speaks another language!"  
"Well _duh_."  
"Carlie knows what fairy's saying, a little.  
Princess and knight stared incredulously at the girl. "Come again?"  
"Fairy saying old language! Language of the gods!"  
"Wait, the gods have a special language?" Duran asked.  
"I remember this!" Angela suddenly yelped. "Jose drilled this into my history lessons! A language that the gods speak, but never around any mortal sprites like us, it isn't even recorded because people think it's a myth..."  
Angela's head suddenly snapped towards Carlie. "You speak Japanese?!"  
"Yep! Carlie's name is Japanese name! Some people still have them! Has magic meaning!"  
Duran and Angela eyed each other. Who would've thought that Carlie could speak the language before time?  
"So what is she saying?" Duran asked Carlie.  
"Fairy can...use power from waterfall and take us across if we let her out," said Carlie. She pointed across the chasm, and the group could see a small opening.  
"Okay." Duran was about to open the cage when Angela's cane snapped down on his hand.  
"What, is your brain the size of that fairy?" Angela yelled.  
"Well, when you think about it..."  
Angela rolled her eyes and forged on. "Don't just open it, fairy-head! She'll fly away!"  
"Well, what are we going to do?"  
"I've got a plan. Take her out, but keep a good grip on her," Angela said as she pulled out a strand of her hair.  
Duran stuffed his hand into the cage and pulled out the struggling fairy. Angela wound her hair around the fairy like a harness, adding several more hairs as a leash.  
"There you go!" Angela grinned. "Fly on, little fairy!"  
The fairy muttered something that made Carlie squeak in shock before flying into the centre of the chasm. She waved her arms. Bright white pixels in the waterfall flew out to form a bridge to the other side.  
[Nani?]  
The three adventurers, already halfway across the bridge, turned, yelled in shock, then tumbled to their doom.  
The distraction, a bright ball of pixelated light, floated down and sweatdropped.  
[Ah...drat, missed my timing...]  
[Hey, buddy, help me out here!] the fairy screeched to the light, who was now at least four storeys above her. [I'm a prisoner!]  
[Yeah, um...] The light looked hedgy. [Uh, I think we're running a bug or something, because I was prematurely freed from that boss monster they were supposed to fight.]  
Footsteps echoed nearby, and the light source's eyes shot towards to the opening. He made a quick decision fast - he rewrote code so that the unconscious sprites below would be able to keep him and he wouldn't get lost in the game. Meanwhile the fairy, who was still tied into the harness, saw no other alternative but to duck back into her cage and slam the door shut.  
Out of the simulated shadows came three Beastmen, Lugar and two other nameless NPCs.  
Confused - Lugar was _sure_ he got his cues right - the Beastman looked down at the KO'ed heroes lying at the foot of the falls.  
"What do you guys think?" he asked his henchman. "I've never had players actually jump the gun before."  
"Suicide attempt," suggested one guard.  
"Nah, couldn't be," said the second as he leaned out to inspect the damage. "Bug. Definitely a bug." 


	8. Jad 2, Save State 2

Wow, reviews...Apologies for not updating, as I've been preoccupied with real life.  
I've also been meaning to write up how Hawk and Riesz get Wisp, but like I've said, preoccupied with real life. But I think I can write save state 1 for this scene. 

* * *

"Ugh..."  
Angela slowly woke up to a blinding headache and unfamiliar surroundings. Nearby Carlie was stirring, whining about hammers in her head.  
And no Duran.  
Abruptly the princess leapt to her feet, looking around. "Duran? Duran!"  
"Silence!"  
The princess jumped out of her skin at the Beastman's roar. She narrowed her eyes as he approached.  
"Do you realize who you're holding? The Crown Princess of Altena!"  
The Beastman snorted. "So what?"  
"So..." Good point. "Never mind."  
As the Beastman walked away Angela heard a snicker. She whirled around. "Duran?"  
"Ah, no, not quite. Might've seen him though - knight-type fellow, shaggy orange hair, big sword?"  
"That's him!" Angela yelled. "Where is he?"  
The speaker paused. "Well, do you know what Square is?"  
"Uh, not really..."  
"Well, I won't bore you with the preaching and the 'save your soul now' bit," answered the speaker. "Do you know what a save state is?"  
"Yeah," said Angela, now intrigued.  
"Well, I'm from there. I think I swapped places with Duran."  
"What's your name?" Angela asked suspiciously.  
"Hawkeye of Navarre, master thief, what - "  
"**DAMN YOU, HAWKEYE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SCREWED UP THIS LIFE!**"  
"Euh...wha?"  
"You killed the Priest of Light!"  
"I did not! How could I?"  
"Well, he's dead, and I blame you!"  
Hawkeye snorted. "Right. You do realize that death is just an illusion, right? All you need is an Angel's Grail. And I'm sure that the Temple of Light has at least one."  
"But they seemed frantic," protested Angela.  
"Hmm...then it was probably a cutscene and unavoidable."  
Angela decided that, while this 'Hawkeye' sounded much like some cultist, his logic did make a bit of sense.  
"So, um, what do we do now?" Angela asked.  
"Don't you know your lines?"  
"Huh?"  
"There should be a loose brick on your side of the cell," said Hawkeye. Angela could hear him getting up and scrabbling at the wall. "Give it a good kick?"  
Angela got up and easily found the brick - not only was it loose, but a different colour too. She complied to Hawkeye's request and gave it a good smack.  
"Whoa!" On the other side there was a loud crack as brick crashed against brick. "Nearly took out my hands there!"  
"There's nothing here," Angela said, peering through the hole. Through it, she could see Hawkeye's cell, but only if she bent at an angle that wasn't at all suitable for young viewers like Carlie.  
"I've found something," Hawkeye responded. He dug around. "Lockpicks! Why didn't I think of these before?!"  
"Seeing that you're a master thief and all."  
The princess cocked her head as she listened to an unfamiliar tinkling sound. She went to the bars and peered out sideways, barely able to shove her head through the bars.  
"What are you doing?" she demanded.  
"Breaking out," muttered Hawkeye. "Haven't seen locks this ancient since the vault at Byzel..."  
More tinkering, then a click and a loud squeal as the door edged open.  
"Freedom!" hissed the master thief.  
"Hey - wait, how do I get out of here?" demanded Angela as the Navarrian sped past.  
Hawkeye spun around to meet his cell neighbour. He was thin and tanned, unlike anyone Angela knew at Altena. His clothes were the loose style that desert people definitely favoured.  
Even more startly was hiw hair - just how many people out there had purple genes? No, really?!  
"Why don't you break out?" Hawkeye asked.  
"Hello? Crown Princess of Altena here?"  
Hawkeye stood there. "And..."  
"Get me out!"  
Hawkeye turned and popped open a convenient green treasure box, which held weapons. He dug around and put a few things in his sleeves, muttering about how stupid 'NPCs' could be in times of danger.  
"Look, um, I've got another save state to get to," Hawkeye said uncomfortably. "If I leave my partner in limbo too long, I'm worried that she might start beating on your Duran guy or something."  
"THEN HOW DO I GET OUT?"  
Hawkeye rolled his eyes, then gave the cell door a sharp kick. Angela jumped back as half of the door abruptly flew off and smashed against the far wall.  
"Happy?" he asked.  
"Plenty. Come on Carlie," Angela said, giving the elf child a sharp prod with her reacquired cane. "We've got to go find Duran."  
"Carlie sleepy," was the response.  
Angela groaned. While the normally-upbeat child was deminitely not wanted back any time soon, she certainly couldn't stick around and wait for some guard to come along and find them.  
This called for drastic action. "Carlie, I'll give you a Round Drop if - "  
SWIPESHOVECHOMP  
"Carlie all better!" cackled the child. She grabbed her mace and bounced up the stairs, where she bashed an unwary Beastman guard. By the time the monster had vanished in a puff of cartoon sound and golden experience number the girl was already wreaking havoc upstairs, dealing out twirling attacks with sugary velocity.  
"So...um...see you around?" Angela asked.  
"Yeah, I think I'm due for another cutscene or two," Hawkeye said. "Well, I'm headed to the docks."  
"Why? You could stick with us - "  
A decapitated Beastman was flung down the stairs, poofing into golden experience before it could bowl Agnela over.  
"Um...no. Docks are triggers for boring cutscenes - I'll probably be able to get back that way," explained Hawkeye.  
Angela was impressed. If she had been trapped in an alternate world she would be having a nervous breakdown. But Hawkeye here was taking it all in stride, even knowing how to get back to wherever he came from. "How do you know this stuff?"  
"Do your really want me to start babbling evangelical nonsense?"  
"No. Just...just go." 


	9. Jad 2, Save State 1

More reviews! I love you all!  
Well, it's been three - wait, FOUR months since my last update. To be honest, I was facing writer's block from the start of a new semester, but recently I've been plagued by ideas. Four stories are in progress at the moment, but because of the workload at school updates are slow. (I'm trying to find a balance between the Read or Die and Seiken Densetsu 3 fans.) I'm also considering adding an extra chapter to the 'Jobs' fanfiction, because people seem to assume that it's going to keep going...even though it's complete.  
About save states - I think the original cartridge called them save states as well, but I used an emulator to play these games. (Duh.) So...see it however you want...until the end...  
To the six reviews on chapter 8 (and the rest of you, of course!) THANK YOU VERY MUCH! (Um, and I'm a bit concerned about you, Dark Bring...I don't know if coughing up blood for my stories is good or not...) My Review Alert-thingy suddenly died, and I didn't know that anyone was still reading my works. It's part of the reason why I stopped writing so regularly.  
Anyway, I've reactivated it now, and, uh...please review? Thanks! 

* * *

"Ugh...where am I..."  
The Amazon princess slowly awoke to find herself lying on a cold stone floor, with walls all around her and a small barred window in the corner. She had no weapon, and the only break in the walls was a wide iron-barred gate with a large keyhole.  
It didn't take much for the girl to put two and two together.  
"WHAT IN THE GODDESS - "  
**"SHUT UP!"**  
A Beastman stalked down the stairs and peered at Riesz, who was getting up from off of the floor. "Will you keep your mouth shut? Some of us are trying to sleep!"  
And with that he went back upstairs.  
Riesz blinked. "NPCs sleep?  
"...dear Goddess, only two minutes and I already sound like Hawk."  
"Hey, do you know where we are?" asked a voice through the wall?"  
"Huh?" Riesz asked. She moved towards the wall and peered through the small window slot. "Is that you, Hawk?"  
"Uh, no, my name's Duran."  
"Oh. Well, you wouldn't happen to have seen a guy with purple hair in a long ponytail, desert clothes..."  
"Um, I think so...hard to remember, but there're a lot of people with purple hair these days, aren't there," Duran asked.  
Riesz decided not to comment. "Say, Duran, think you could break us out of here?" she asked.  
"Well, we just get one of those guards to come down, trick him into opening the cell, then we're free," reasoned Duran.  
It didn't sound like the best idea, but given the circumstances Riesz decided not to question it. However, that Beastman looked pretty big, and her hand-to-hand combat skills, while excellent, were meant for humans, not part-wolves who literally lived on those skills.  
And claws and teeth. Nope, no advantage there.  
"Think you could fight him barehanded?" Riesz asked hopefully.  
Knuckles cracked. "Yeah, they're not so tough," Duran said. "Besides, all that matters is to get the keys, and we're gone."  
"Reasonable enough. Try it."  
**"HEY, GUARD!"**  
The same Beastman guard came down the stairs, now looking extremely angry and dishevelled. "What do you want?" he demanded.  
"Your mother was a Rabite and your father was a human!" yelled Duran.  
The Beastman literally exploded. **"NOBODY INSULTS MY FAMILY LIKE THAT!"** he roared, furious at the insult.  
"Oh yeah?" taunted Duran. "Come on in here and get me! I'll kick your butt so hard that you'll land back in the Beast Kingdom!"  
The Beastman actually gave pause to that thought. "Well, I do want to go home..." he considered. "All right, one round, human scum!"  
Riesz tensed. _Here we go - _  
The Beastman walked right through the bars of the door and proceeded to pummel Duran into a bloody pulp.  
_Crap._  
"Yeah, you thought you could just steal the keys, didn't you?" the Beastman roared as he thrashed Duran thoroughly. "But no, you didn't count on the save states being bugged, didn't you? MWA HA HA - "  
The ominously-evil laugh was cut short by the sound of a click and something creaking open.  
"Ah, for the love of Square..."  
"HAWK?!"  
The Beastman spun around to see the lazy-eyed Navarrian thief idling in Duran's open cell, twirling a knife. Hawk shook his head.  
"You know, this cutscene is pretty horrible," he commented, and it ended quite quickly with Hawk somehow managing to pull the half-dead Duran from around the Beastman and out of the cell and locking the cell with aformentioned guard inside.  
"Damn it, he got me," muttered the guard.  
"Hawk, get me out of here!" Riesz demanded.  
"Um, yeah, sure, give me a minute," Hawk said. He pretty much tossed Duran's body into a gold Mana Goddess Statue in the corner, where he instantly revived and jumped to his feet.  
"What happened?" he asked.  
"You outsmarted the Beastman locked him in the cell and did it all barehanded good work!" Hawk said in a hurried run-on sentence as he bopped open a small green treasure box. He quickly tossed aside the large broadsword that he found.  
"There's a ship at the docks that will help us escape we'll meet you there!" Hawk hurriedly added, literally shoving the swordsman and sword up the stairs and out of the dungeon. He darted back down the stairs and retrieved Riesz's spear.  
"What in the Goddess was all that about?" Riesz demanded as Hawk handed her the weapon.  
"Square's crashing down around us," Hawk explained. He easily picked the lock and swung the door open. "But if we're fast enough, I think we'll be able to finish the game and avoid anymore serious bugs."  
Riesz darted out, then gave Hawk a long, critical look.  
"Hawk, shut up about your Goddess-cursed cult already."

* * *

REVIEW!  
REVIEW!  
REV - ::BRICK:: 


	10. Golden Road

**Golden Road**

The escape from Jad wasn't as hard as they thought it would be. They simply had to run through all the guards, which Riesz and Duran called 'ghost wolves' and Hawk called 'Beastman mobile sprites lacking an opacity variable'.

Which he also called 'ghost wolves' after a manacing wave from Riesz's lance.

The ship made its way overnight to Free City Maia as Hawk and Riesz were entertained by a cutscene from Duran, who showed them home movies and slides of him and his fellow soldiers getting beat up by a man in a long red cape. When they got there they ran around, talked to some NPCs, then followed the Golden Road so they could get to Forcena to help King Richard, who they figured could help them. They weren't sure how, but even a King had to have a clue as to why the world was falling apart. Well, Hawk did have a clue, but King Richard could probably explain it without throwing around terms such as 'probability variables' and 'free-ranging bugs', which sounded a lot like farming Hornets to Riesz and Duran.

The bridge was conveniently located in a cave off the side of the road. The trio entered it and looked around.

"That's how people from Forcena get to the rest of the world?" Hawk asked in disbelief.

"Well, yeah," Duran said, confused.

"A wood and rope bridge over a gaping gorge?"

"It's worked ever since the beginning of time," Duran said primly. "I don't see what's wrong with it now."

"Do you want to talk about crosscurrents and resonant frequencies?" Riesz asked.

Hawk gave the Amazon a suspicious look. "That sounds like something related to Square."

"Rolante. Wind Kingdom. We're not all pretty blondes in skimpy uniforms."

"Really?"

"No, that'd be Navarre."

"I resent that."

"Let's just cross," Duran suggested.

"Um, point?" Hawk raised a hand. "Is this the only way in and out of Forcena?"

"Yes..."

"Then it seems likely that, despite your confidence in this bridge, we'll likely be ambushed and, despite our best efforts, the bridge will be permanently destroyed. I think we ought to at least head back to that save point, in the event that all three of us do get killed."

Riesz and Duran stared at Hawk, then looked at each other.

"Did you just catch all that?" Duran asked.

Riesz sighed. "Sadly enough, yes. Just do as he says and don't ask for explanations, because sooner or later you'll find out that he's right and the explanations are just plain insane."

"Insane?"

"He believes in a supernatural being called Square and because of it our world's falling apart," Riesz said.

"The Goddess," Duran nodded.

"No, it's Square," Riesz corrected. They went up to the silver Mana Goddess statue standing in the cave and ignored Hawk as he started talking to thin air. "He's made it clear that this Square is even more powerful than the Goddess."

"O...kay..."

"Told you he was crazy."

"No, you said I was insane."

"Shouldn't we prepare our weapons before we head in, assuming you're right?" Duran asked, cutting off Riesz's response.

"You can't," Hawk said. "Not unless you're on the same screen as a monster."

"Screen...?"

"Room or area in Square terms," Riesz explained quickly.

"Sure I can - "

Duran grabbed the sword from its sheath and tried to draw it. However, it was as though the thing was stuck to its cover and his back. No matter how hard Duran pulled, the sword wouldn't come out. Hampered by his awkward position, Duran hopped about, arms groping at his back for his weapon.

"If you weren't so right, this would be hilarious," Riesz commented.

"Aren't I always?" Hawk asked innocently.

By now the swordsman had come to a logical conclusion abou his sword's un-draw-able-ness. Since Hawk knew what he was talking about, he clearly had done something about the sword.

**"WHAT'CHU DO 'BOUT MY SWORD?!"** roared Duran.

"Eep!" squeaked Hawk, sounding much like either a little girl or a mouse, and he ran down towards the bridge.

**"FIX - MY - SWORD!"** Duran bellowed. He leapt and easily caught Hawk smack dab in the middle of the bridge.

"Whoa, watch it, crosscurrents!" Riesz yelled warningly. This, however, didn't stop Duran from trying to maim Hawk by chopping him up in itty bitty pieces with his sword. Riesz attempted to get in the way and get them separated, but when Duran called her an accomplice in crime she decided that the Navarrian deserved what he was getting. Well, maybe not, but when a man is waving a large broadsword at you any excuse sounds good.

"I thought killing the PCs was our job," commented a female NPC to another, watching the fight. Duran looked up and his rage only grew.

"ALTENANS!" the swordsman shouted and lunged towards the NPCs.

"I told you, I told you so!" Hawk yelled, now completely hysterical from his brush with death. He pointed at the Altenan mages coming in from the other end of the bridge. "They send a boss monster at us, then we're forced to find a new way to get to Forcena, likely by one of the most improbably devices you can imagine! It was devised by Square and it _will_ happen!"

Riesz lost it then. **"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR GODDESS-CURSED SQUARE?!"** she shrieked, whipping out her lance.

At the same time Duran reached the Altenan soldiers, only to smash into an invisible barrier and fall into a heap. Hawk, now completely losing it, pointed and screamed, "Square's Law of Untouchable Hostile Non-Playable Characters! Square's Law of Untouchable Hostile Non-Playable Characters!"

"Shut up, SHUT UP before I **BEAT YOU TO DEATH!**"

The soldiers dodged aside as Hawk fled, screaming like a madman, back to the Golden Road's end of the bridge, a Hostile Playable Character hot on his heels. The Altenans followed up by using one of their Machine Golems to drag Duran's unconscious body back with them before triggering the self-destruct device.

"There's something wrong about a fight going over this easily," one of the Altenan guards commented to another.

"By the way, why are we called 'Altenans'?" asked a second as the bridge casually blew up. "What about 'Altenian', or 'Altenish'?"

"I've been fond of 'Altenese'!" piped up a third and much-shorted soldier.

"Well it wouldn't do well for us to stand out, being the Magic Kingdom and all," the first soldier said cynically.

"Disneyworld?" asked the short Altenese soldier. "We've got the big castle and all - "

" - would boost the economy - "

" - get rid of our image as a bloodthirsty nation that would sacrifice its own children to attain power - "

"I'll run it by the Queen when we get back," the first soldier said. "Come on, we've got an invasion of Forcena to stage. I hope the Forcenans are willing to at least look like they're going to fight."

"Why do we call them Forcenans?"

"Personally, I've always been fond of 'Forcenese'."...

* * *

It's been almost a year since my last update. Why? Because the voices in my head stopped talking. Only recently did I get back to playing SD3 - this time with my nine-year-old cousin, who enjoys playing Hawk in the game. Ha ha! I'll also take a moment to plug my website, - hopefully there's stuff there that you haven't read yet and will stave you off during the next muse drought.

Anyway, I'm very sorry that it took me this long to update. I write if I feel like it...if I don't feel like writing, I don't. Sorry if that came off sounding, um, however I didn't want it to sound, but you can't rush things. I was, however, motivated by the reviews I got - more reviews than ANY of my other stories, which makes me smile - possibly the only story that has a death threat as a review, good motivation there... ::looks around nervously::

REVIEW!  
REVIEW!  
REV - ::is shot:: AUGH! ...Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound, flesh wound!

* * *

_Thursday, December 30, 2004_


	11. Save Menu

Yay! Reviews! I'm so happy! Thank you, LegendaryKnightSerin and Sinnatious!

This chapter in particular isn't as amusing as the rest. It's more to explain what's going on, where I've ditched the Angela/Duran/Carlie save state and why I don't write up Kevin (aside from the fact that I've never used his character).

I'm also forcing myself to now write in Microsoft Word, where it will automatically spell-check for me. I didn't realize how many spelling errors I had made in the last story until I read it on I'm disappointed in myself.

* * *

**Save Menu**

tink tink

...

tink tink tink

Angela tapped the wall with her staff, again giving off that strange tinkling noise. It was like she was hitting one of the bottles in Jose's laboratory, the ones with funny shapes. It gave a hollow sound, rather than the proper noise glass made when it was hit.

If it didn't sound so anachronistic, you could describe it as how it sounded when you hit your television screen or monitor, if you didn't use an LED screen.

"Hello?" Angela called out. "Can anybody hear me?"

"Carlie can!"

"Dear Goddess, no," Angela muttered under her breath.

She was what could be described as a long, rectangular box-like room. On all sides she was surrounded by an invisible glass wall: the room was wide enough for her to stretch out comfortably and tall enough so she didn't feel claustrophobic. The walls gave off an eerie green glow that gradually changed colour as it hit the ceiling; the floor was a dark forest green, but as it went upwards it turned into a lighter emerald. Oddly enough, her and Carlie's names were written on the floor in white text, along with some assorted numbers that Angela couldn't understand. At the far end of the room was Duran's name, but something had mangled the characters so his name actually read 'duRN' and the rest was an illegible mess of ASCII.

In short, Angela was trapped in a small room with Carlie.

"I've died and gone to Hell," Angela said blankly.

"Not quite, m'Lady, but bloody close," a strange voice said nearby. "If you could pop y'self over the wall, we could have a nice l'il chat to pass the time."

"Eh?" the Crown Princess of Altena said.

"Find somethin' t'give y'self a l'il boost," the voice said. "The ceilin's not solid, bit like chattin' up your next door neighbour over the back fence."

Angela found the reference odd and the accent even odder. Clearly the guy didn't have a clue who he was talking to, but on the other hand Angela was even more mystified and curious about the speaker. She hopped up, arms passing through the ceiling layer, and grabbed the top ledge of the barrier. A mad scramble helped lever herself up, and soon Angela managed to sit on top of the glass wall and look around.

It was quite queer, she decided. The room was floating in empty white space, absolute nothingness. There was a similar room in front and behind her; turning around, Angela spotted the speaker, sitting atop his own wall. He raised an eyebrow at Angela's costume.

"Fancy y'self a night in the red-light district?" he asked casually.

"What are you talking about?" Angela demanded. "And who are you?"

"I?" the male asked. He was quite odd-looking: a furry coat, rough pants and a beanie made up his clothes. "I am Kevin, Prince of the Beastmen." He did a bow, which had to prove that he was a prince: only royalty would attempt such a maneuvre on top of such a risky position. Certainly didn't dress like one though - didn't royalty come with some fashion sense, at least? "And who might you be?"

"Crown Princess Angela of Altena, daughter of Her Royal Highness Queen Valda, the Queen of Reason," Angela said haughtily.

"And a g'day to you too, mate."

Angela blinked. "What's with your accent?"

"Kevin don't know," Kevin answered. He gestured at his room. "Kevin think room might be problem."

Angela leaned over to get a better look at Kevin's 'room'. It was similar to hers, without Carlie running around it. It read Kevin's name, but where there should be numbers there were a bunch of random symbols.

"Methinks there is a programming error that the programmers art attempting to resolve," Kevin said. "My character normally has an accent, a poor understanding of the English language, but something keeps changing it."

"Where is this place, anyway?" Angela asked.

"Some sort of limbo." Kevin paused, decided that this accent (a southern Ontario/northeastern American) was best, and kept speaking. "A save menu. See, you might not believe this, but our world isn't real. It's the invention of some higher superpower."

Angela slowly nodded. "O-kay..."

"Visualize it like this: The Goddess creates a world, complete with gods and magic and all that nice stuff. Then she copies it so she has three miniature universes. They're the exact same to start with, but different people cause different things to happen."

"Like...a parallel universe?" Angela asked.

"Yes. Only that at one time can one of these universes be running. The rest are on pause. Nobody notices except for the Chosen Ones. The Goddess can switch between universes, but only one can be working at a time."

"Let me see if I have this straight," Angela said. "The Goddess creates three identical worlds, but only one of them works at a time."

"Right. Now let's call these worlds save states and the Goddess Squaresoft..." Kevin stopped when he saw Angela's face darken. "This can't be good."

"My last experience with the words 'save state' did not end well," Angela warned. "Keep talking."

"It's just a name!" Kevin protested. "Anyway, something - not even Squaresoft knows what - has been altering the reality in these worlds. They've decided that the best thing to do is run just one save state - the one with the most problems - so they can work out most of the problems. It's long and tedious work for Them and just boring for us to have to wait.

"I think I understand the situation now," Angela said thoughtfully. "Something's infected our three identical worlds, so it's safer for us to stay out the way and let a god take care of it."

"Exactly," Kevin nodded. "It's going to take a week, at least." He produced a deck of cards covered in odd symbols from his coat and laid them on a magically-apparating table. "Since we've got time to kill, up for learning how to play Go Fish?"

* * *

_Note about the 'best' accent: I think this accent is the best, but only because I live in southern Ontario and speak with it myself. Apparently North America is the only place where the people will pronounce the 'r' sound properly all the time. Really! I forget the name of the phenomenon. For example, I pronounce 'barbecue' as 'BAR-beh-cue', while others are likely to say 'BAH-beh-cue'. Which doesn't make sense to me: if there's an 'r' in the word, you pronounce it, right? I tried reading the story aloud, getting rid of the 'r' sounds in the middle of the words, and had to stop after a few sentences because I sounded so strange._

Or maybe I'm just a little more eccentric than most. But I also can't be bothered to make fun of an accent if I don't know one well enough. I spent a week in London with my aunt, who has a Chinese-Scottish-English accent, and that was strange. Also, I don't know how 'improper' Kevin's English is: I'd spend more time correcting it than working on the story itself. 

* * *

_Sunday, January 2, 2005_


	12. In Square Hawk Trusts

**In Square Hawk Trusts**

"NOW how are we going to get to Forcena?" Riesz asked Hawk testily. "You seem to have all the answers."

To review, Hawk, Riesz and Duran were on the Golden Road's half of the Bridge (as no one seemed to know the Bridge's true name, the Bridge stuck). In a fit of violence common in any video game the trio had managed to make their way back to the Golden Road's side. The Altenans (Altenish? Altenians?) then destroyed the Bridge, leaving nothing but two wood-and-rope ends dangling into empty black space. Duran was just beginning to wake up, while Riesz employed every method of self-control possible to prevent herself from thrashing the Navarrian (Navarran?). Right now she needed the cultist (cultish? Wait...) alive so he could help her get back her stuff - namely, her kingdom, her brother and her vengeance.

And _then_ he would die. Oh, how he'd suffer.

The cultist in question approached the gap, peering at its broken edges.

"Riesz, what direction is the wind?" Hawk asked.

"Slight breeze from the entrance, but negligible," Riesz reported.

"Right. Well, we saved, so..."

"What are you doing?" Riesz asked. She watched Hawk lope away from the gap, making a path to the far wall.

"Putting my faith in Square."

"What the - "

Hawk ran straight at the gorge. He ignored Riesz's and Duran's yells of protest as he charged. Square hadn't let him down all this time and even though it had thrown him this angsty, angsty backstory Square had still looked over his destiny -

**POW!**

Hawk smashed facefirst into an invisible barrier. All he saw was white pain and he fell over backwards, stunned.

"Hawk!" Duran and Riesz yelled. They rushed up to the thief. "What the HELL were you trying to do?"

"Testing Square," Hawk muttered. He propped himself up with one elbow, his hand holding his head. It hadn't been as painful as he had thought - more stunned than hurt, and no HP lost. Reassured that Hawk would live, Duran got up to examine the barrier. He put a hand out, his palm hitting...nothing, but something solid. It was like nothing he had felt before.

"Hey, Riesz, feel this," he commented. Riesz stood up and pushed against the barrier.

"This is nothing new," Riesz said as Hawk got up. "This is all over the Path to the Heavens."

"Suicide barriers?" inquired Duran.

"It does stop the untrained - or the suicidal - from jumping off," Riesz sniffed. "The Goddess' way of valuing life."

"You say that just because you can't use an Angel's Grial," Hawk answered.

"If you mention your beloved cult - "

"Okay, okay!"

"What were you doing, anyway?" asked Duran.

"Well," said Hawk, "sometimes, in a situation like this, you might get a cutscene. It's usually triggered if you perform some great act of faith or a character's suddenly overwhelmed with emotion."

"And this...act of faith..." Riesz said hesitantly, "can allow you to jump over a gorge that normally takes five minutes to cross."

"More like five seconds," Duran muttered.

"Well...yeah," said Hawk.

"You're crazy," Duran said bluntly.

"Hey, you'll see!" Hawk yelled as his two companions turned around to leave. "Other gods will use it to test their disciples! Maybe not Square, but - "

"There is no Square, there is no Square," Riesz chanted under her breath.

"Now what?" Duran asked when they reached the Golden Road. "To Byzel?"

"Sounds logical," Riesz said. "What do you say, Hawk?"

"I think we should go to Maia and ask for help there," Hawk said.

"Ridiculous," Riesz immediately responded. "This ships aren't moving - "

"Forcena doesn't have a port," Duran informed Riesz.

" - and it's not like we're going to find some magical technological wonder there that'll transport us straight to Forcena," Riesz finished. Hawk shrugged.

"Fine then," the thief answered. "But I'll practise now: I told you so, I told you so..."

Upon arrival at Byzel the three encountered a wall, in the shape of two large merchants in white and blue. When Duran walked up to them they parrotted a message about Byzel taking defensive measures ever since the Altenans invaded Forcena.

"THEY INVADED FORCENA?!" shrieked Duran.

"Why hasn't Forcena hired any guards from here?" Riesz asked nobody in particular as Duran started ramming the guards. Despite having a ninteen-year-old soldier in plate armour attempting to smash them - repeatedly - the guards didn't budge. "In Maia we could shove people around."

"NPCs are like scenery, except that they walk and recite stuff," Hawk explained. He cleared his throat, then added, "I told you so."

Five minutes later a smirking Hawk led his two fuming companions into Maia.

"So, what's the latest news?" Hawk asked a young lady.

"Have you seen that cannon at Bon Voyage's house?"

"Right, that's our transportation," Hawk said to Duran and Riesz.

"A cannon?" Riesz asked in disbelief.

"It makes sense," Duran said after a minute of consideration.

"What?" Riesz asked blankly.

"Riesz, have you ever hopped on a spacehopper?"

* * *

_Tuesday, January 18, 2005_


	13. The Laws of Physics

**The Laws of Physics**

Hawk pushed open the door and walked into the home. Riesz stepped back, suddenly uncertain. Seeing Riesz's hesitation, Duran asked, "What's wrong?"

"Is this a communist world or something? Haven't these people heard of locks?"

"We're a pretty open society," Duran said as he walked in.

Inside Hawk was busy talking to what appeared to be a dwarf. A badly-misshapen dwarf wearing a gaudy green-and-yellow jester's outfit and looked like a clown. No, wait, scratch that: the ball the clown would walk on top of.

Pity this world had yet to understand what a 'circus' was.

"You must be here to try out my Super Deluxe X-2 Cannon!" squealed the little man. He bounced up and down like the rotund little ball - er, dwarf-thingy he was.

"Er, yes. Yes, we are," said Hawk. He didn't show it, but it was clear that he didn't have a clue what Bon Voyage was talking about. (Somehow, it was clear. Maybe body language?)

"Just come out back, and I'll meet you there!" squealed the thing.

The three adventurers trooped out back. There, planted in the centre of the yard, was a Very Large Cannon. It was ornate and decorated with golden designs, but it clearly looked like it meant business. In fact, if one had an imagination one might wonder why the Goddess hadn't used this for a weapon instead of the Mana Sword: it looked like some astral firearm, partially buried in the ground and pointed straight at Forcena's general direction.

Duran shuddered.

"Hop in and you'll be on your way!" squealed Bon Voyage.

Duran and Riesz hesitated. Hawk muttered, "Wait for it - "

Bounce. "Gunpowder! I forgot the gunpowder! Just get some for me, will ya?" With that, Bon Voyage bounced back into the house.

"Okay...was it just me, or did that thing look more like a weapon waiting for the Goddess to claim than a safe way to travel?" asked Riesz as they went outside, well out of Bon Voyage's earshot.

"That should be banned by the Convention of Devices of Questionable Safety that are Clearly Weapons of Mass Destruction," Duran announced. "Where do you think inventors get money to to build these things, anyway? You'd think they'd all be starving artists!"

"He's probably funded by the Foundation of Devices of Questionable Safety that are Clearly Weapons of Mass Destruction," Hawk said absently. "I remember hearing him speak at the last meeting..."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing!"

"What's 'gunpowder'?" Riesz asked, breaking up Duran's train of thought. "I've never heard of it."

"Not a clue," Duran said.

"I could guess 'powder', but I have no idea what a 'gun' is," confessed Hawk. "It's definitely not a weapon of mass destruction."

"Well, we've got to start looking somewhere," Riesz said.

Hawk grabbed a villager. "Excuse me, but where can we get 'gunpowder'?"

"There's a place where the dwarves use it. I think it's located near the passage to Forcena," he answered.

"Well, there's our tip. Let's go!" Hawk said.

"Wait, you trust this guy?" demanded Riesz.

Hawk paused in mid-step and gave Riesz a look like she was stupid. "Well, _yeah_."

"You trust old men who spend their time walking into walls?"

"It's not a wall, it's a _giant jar of wine_," Duran said, rolling his eyes at the Amazon's ignorance.

"Look, which excuse would you rather have: 'yes, I trust the old man' or 'Square told me so'?" Hawk said irately.

"Goddess, we were just there and there was nothing great about the place!" Riesz yelled. "What if the Altenans there pick a fight with us?"

"They won't be there," said Hawk. "They're busy invading Forcena."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing!"

Riesz sighed. It didn't look like she had much of a choice. Standing in a port town that wouldn't send her anywhere wouldn't get her closer to her brother, kingdom or vengeance. In that order. Although vengeance was quickly moving up the mental order, seeing that she had something that was almost begging to get the stuffing beaten out of him. She couldn't even try to drown her sorrows in alcohol, seeing that the bars here didn't actually serve it. Riesz had not-so-fond memories of fending off drunks while trying to catch the attention of a very absent-minded bartender. You'd think that a princess and leader of an army would get a break now and then, but _nooo_...

"Well, shall we go?" Hawk asked as he edged away from Duran, who appeared to be thinking hard about something.

"By Jinn, why not?" Riesz said, acquiescing to Hawk's suggestion (as opposed to getting violent). There were bigger battles to fight.

The trip back down the Golden Road was rather uneventful. Although by now little Battums and Rabites were nothing, Riesz had something to say about those little Porons. Damn things would throw a dart at you and you'd go flying into a tree with a red number floating out of you. It _hurt_. The cave was also quite quiet, since the Altenans had all left.

"Well, now what?" asked Riesz as they stood at the silver Mana Statue.

"We ask Square for help," Hawk said.

"Of course, how could I have forgotten," Riesz asked, her voice dripping with cynicism and venom.

"Fairy, do something!" Hawk ordered, producing a tiny cage holding a ball of light with a flourish from his clothes. He held it out, grinning and pointing it expectedly at the statue.

An embarassing silence held over the trio for about a minute. "I don't think it's working."

"Um, I see. How about...Wisp!" With another flourish, Hawk produced a larger, squirming ball of light in his hand. It was so bright that the cave lit up in its presence. Immediately behind them the adventurers saw a piece of rock move aside.

"I see," Duran said. He nodded sagely as Hawk stuffed the spirit back into his shirt. "The dwarves used a trick of the light to hide the passage, but you changed the angle of refraction so it was revealed."

Hawk blinked. "No, Square moved it - "

"You _changed_ the _angle of refraction_ - "

"Okay, okay, I get it!"

They entered the opening and trooped down an impossibly long set of stairs. Riesz had a sudden urge to push one of the men down, just to watch his reaction.

At the bottom they turned into another cave opening, where they passed a dwarf picking at a tunnel. Through another tunnel, and the three immediately found themselves in what they assumed was the Dwarf Village, where all the dwarves lived. Duh.

"So, someone here should have gunpowder," Riesz said. "Dwarves use it, seeing that despite the fact that dwarves are excellent miners, nothing clears out rock like a good...um, whatever gunpowder does."

"Hey!" a nearby dwarf shrilled. "I resent that comment! There you go, stereotyping dwarves as hardworking expert miners!"

"Well, aren't you?" Duran asked curiously.

"Not all of us," the dwarf sniffed. "Our economy would crash if everyone here was, literally, a gold digger. Who'd make our clothes? How would we eat? What would you expect us to eat if none of us had basic underground foraging skills - rocks?"

"Well...what is it that you do?" Riesz asked.

"Mining," the dwarf said unhappily. "But don't loop me in like some other I-love-mining-and-have-no-other-life dwarf! By Gnome, when the Seven Dwarf Troupe finally left to go try their luck with human entertainment, we didn't realize that it'd be a huge PR catastrophe! Every human who found us here was expecting us to go singing or whistling to work, dancing in conga lines or something idiotic like that! I'm dwarf, you know! I have _real_ aspirations!"

"So, um, what's your dream?" asked Riesz.

The scene blurred; Hawk instantly recognized it as a cutscene. The little dwarf seemed to glow and sparkle as the surroundings around him dimmed into shadows. He turned his eyes, sparkling with tears, upwards to the humans, clasped his hands, and in a beautiful soprano and decidedly un-stereotypical-dwarf-like voice he sang:

_I wanna be where the people are  
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'  
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?  
Oh - feet! _

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far  
Legs are required for jumping, dancing  
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?  
Street!

Up where they walk, up where they run  
Up where they stay all day in the sun  
Wanderin' free - wish I could be  
Part of that wo-o-orld

The three humans and one dwarf were abruptly brought out of this magical cutscene when a rock bounced off the back of the little dwarf's head and he fell over. 

"Oi, Volts, keep it down!"

"Yeah, we got enough Disney from the Seven Dwarf Troupe, don't need you helpin' out!"

"But I wanna be human!" wailed the little dwarf. He lunged forward and wrapped himself around Riesz's legs. For all her skill in dodging enemy attacks, Riesz was completely unable to slide, wriggle or otherwise escape the blubbering dwarf. "Take me! Take me to your leader! Take me out of this Goddess-forsaken hole! I want to see the sun and breathe the fresh air - "

"Oh, now look what you've started..." Two dwarves came and managed to pry the little dwarf off of Riesz (not without, somehow, touching her boobs - damn dwarves must be lechers, Riesz decided, not enough women down here). "Sorry 'bout that - "

"About what, him or molesting me?"

" - we thought he was okay, but every time he sees a human he relapses, goes into a song and dance routine and begs for your almighty mercy to let him go to the surface."

"Yeah, well, he din't dance this time," the second pointed out.

"Wasn't a dancin' song," the first dwarf said.

"Hey, what are you humans doing here anyway? Thought the passage was sealed..."

"A sly trick of the light you had up there," Duran said, calmly elbowing Hawk in the gut.

"Gnome, we thought it'd be another hundred years before a human figured out basic optical physics! I mean, welcome to the Dwarf Village!"

"We'll be going now," nodded the second dwarf, dragging his sobbing companion away.

"Wait, do you guys know anything about 'gunpowder'?" Riesz yelled.

"Um, go talk to Ohm," said the first dwarf. "He's the one minin' outside."

The three adventurers rushed outside to find the same dwarf they had passed on the way inside, now crouched at the base of the wall he had been picking at.

"Hey, er, Ohm?" asked Duran. "Can you give us some gunpowder?"

"Well, I could," said Ohm, "but I can't." He held up a metal ball filled with slate grey powder. "This's my last supply and I need it. You'll have to speak to Watts to get more."

"Where's Watts?" asked Riesz.

"Somewhere in the caves, but I'll blast you a shortcut," said Ohm as he put the bag on the floor. He stuck a short fuse to a hole in the ball and lit it. "Um, you guys know what gunpowder is, right?"

"That thing?" Duran suggested, pointing at the lit ball.

"I mean, what it does?"

The three shook their heads.

"You guys might want to stand back now - "

_**BOOM!**_

An explosion rocked the cave. Fighter, Amazon and thief were thrown to the opposite end of the room, their flights cut short by the far rock wall, which they painfully slammed into (but didn't hurt them physically because, Goddess, that would just be crazy talk, getting hurt by hitting a wall).

"If those damn Porons ever get a hold of this gunpowder, I will kill someone. Brutally and painfully."

* * *

Sorry for the lack of updates... I don't really have an excuse, other than all the other ideas I had weren't as good as these. Writing's not exactly a skill I can simply tap; I have to be patient and wait for it. 

I'm glad I did though. The Disney references really came out of left field and the chapter pretty much wrote itself. I was briefly considering the idea of a Britney Spears routine, but I'm sure you're all happier without it.

_A singing, scantily-clad dwarf and two equally-scantily-clad back up dancer dwarves dance in, the lead singing in a decidedly-sexy-like voice, "Oh baby baby - " _

"You can't stop us, baby! You KNOW you want us!"

MAKE THE BAD IMAGERY STOP!

* * *

_Thursday, July 28, 2005_


	14. The Rocky Horror Picture Show

I feel obligated to do a responding to reviewers thing. Yeah. Because I like getting reviews; they make me feel better, knowing that my writing's worth reading. 

**Lonely Light**: I should've had Riesz push one of them over. I'm leaning towards Duran, but only because of the sheer funniness of a guy in full plate armour rolling down the stairs. Hawk probably would've been pushed though. Pity Riesz didn't have a Slinky! Thank you for your review!

**Sinnatious**: I'm trying to give this story a plot. It's realy changed from the original 'snippets' idea I had, with little scenes. It's easier to write when there's a plot because the characters just bounce off each other (as opposed for me having to wind them up each scene). Thank you very much for the review!

**Zid**: Now I feel obligated to put up a general warning: "If you've been laughing for three minutes straight, move away from the computer and BREATHE." Or: "The Cookie Pixie is not responsible for any deaths by laughter. It's not intentional. Really." Thanks!

I hope I can start posting this more regularly. The other story I was writing was considerably more serious and angsty, not very good when you're trying to write a parody. But at night my muse would haunt me: a Gnome-like dwarf, dressed in a tiny halter top and tight leather pants, swinging her hips. I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. I likely did both. Trust me, with a muse like THAT you'd want to write.

And now...on with the actual story.

* * *

**The Rocky Horror Picture Show**

Last time on the Seiken Densetsu 3 story that's updated about as often as the authoress enjoys her mathematics homework (hey, it happens) our heroes were sore and complaining of aches from their abrupt introduction to a rock wall (but no actually _hurt_, you know) as they wandered the lower levels of what they thought was yet another dwarven cave.

"So, where's Watts?" Duran said as they hit a crossroads.

"There!" Riesz suddenly shouted, pointing upwards. On an upper level, separated by think iron bars, a dwarf darted by. She actually didn't know if this really was Watts, the dwarf they had slaughtered dozens of slimy green monsters (how something with an anatomy like _that_ existed was still a great mystery among leading Mana and biology scholars) and spiky hedgehogs for. If being covered in poisonous slime and various chunks of animal anatomy wasn't enough, Duran and Riesz then had to endure the sight of Hawk stuffing the remains into his Square MBMCM(TM) (refer to chapter two if you've COMPLETELY forgotten about this glorious device) and his attempt to explain what it was to Duran.

Duran finally said that he wanted to take the machine apart. Hawk said no: "That would ruin the great mystery of Square."

Ri-i-ight.

The group scramble through some passageways, past some dancing monsters and finally into a great cavern. In the centre was a dwarf, wearing a classic dwarven skull helmet. This was the result of decades without outside influence: a stalled fashion economy that resembled something from the prehistoric caveman days. Pun not intended.

"Hey!" yelled Duran. "Watts!"

"GODDESS, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"Uh, what?"

"I'M SORRY I'M JUST LOST OH MY GODDESS HELP!"

"Look, we're not here to hurt you!" Hawk protested.

"Yet," Riesz muttered.

"We just want gunpowder!" Duran bellowed over Watts' wailing.

"HERE!" Watts wildly threw a distinctive ball into the air. Hawk lunged for it, only to smash into a lunging Duran. The ball bounced off Duran's head and landed in Riesz's slimy hands, causing her to fumble for a moment. She looked back at Watts, who was curled in a ball in the corner and crying.

"Er, thank you," said Riesz as Duran extracted a certain cultist from his armour.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"Look, why would we hurt you?" snapped Riesz a little irately, a nerve showing on her temple.

"YOU'RE THE MONSTERS!" screamed the pile of dwarf. "I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU!"

"We're not – " Riesz looked at herself and her travelling companions. Right. The poisonous slime and pieces of fur stuck to her. It didn't take much imagination for this terrified dwarf to think they were monsters of some sort.

"I want a bath when we hit up an inn," Riesz announced.

"Bath?" Duran asked stupidly.

"Inns don't have baths," Hawk pointed out. "Or any personal hygiene facilities, for that matter."

"They…don't?" Come to think of it, inns did seem to only have a cheap bed for the night…

"Stop messing with my head, cultist," Riesz snarled, shaking her head. Next he'd say that they didn't need baths because of Square.

"I'm just saying – "

"_Stop_ messing with my _head_!"

"Okay, okay. Jeez."

"You look a lot more terrified than I thought you should be," Duran mused. "Psychological warfare is never this effective."

"Sorry," sniffled Watts, who had somewhat recovered from his ordeal. "I…there's just this legend here."

"Legend?"

"Yeah…these used to be jail cells for the prisons," explained Watts. The quivering dwarf found a handkerchief and blew his nose loudly. "But there was a quake and a rockslide cut off the entrance. Took us weeks to get to the prisoners."

"But there was something wrong," Duran said when Watts paused.

"We found monsters," Watts said, now wiping sweat from under his helmet. Riesz suppressed a grimace. "The prisoners were just…gone!" And…monsters!"

"So…what happened to the prisoners?" Duran asked slowly.

"Don't you understand?" yelled a hysterical Watts. "They turned into monsters!"

"Well _obviously_," muttered Riesz as Watts clung to a disturbed Hawk, bawling loudly. "That makes perfect sense."

"Did you hear that?" Watts suddenly went still, listening. The three heroes strained their ears but heard nothing out of the ordinary. Watts did, apparently, as he leapt into the air loudly. "It's coming! RUN!"

With that Watts fled back down the passage, leaving behind a bewildered set of adventurers. Riesz looked down at the grey ball of gunpowder in her hands.

"So…we've got our gunpowder," she said hesitantly.

"Shouldn't we go after him?" Duran asked, thumbing back down the passage Watts had fed through. "I mean, he could be turned into a monster!"

"Nah, he's an NPC with a name," said Hawk. He waved a hand dismissively. "Square won't let anything happen to him. Unless he's really important. Square's been awfully fickle as of late…"

"Let's just get this to Bon Voyage," Riesz said. "This task seemed easy enough – "

The floor chose that moment to disappear from under their feet. The three plunged five storeys down into another chamber, lost in pitch darkness.

"…I'm sorry, Square!" I repent for showing doubt in your divine plot!"

"Can it, meathead, or I'll see if this 'gunpowder' works like how it's supposed to."

"What if the monsters transform us?"

"Get a grip, Duran. In the name of the Goddess, you're supposed to be a knight of Forcena! Show a bit of backbone! If I knew men were as wimpy as you I would've never left Rolante!"

"Okay, let's stay calm and try to get out of here. Anyone got any suggestions?"

"A light would really, really help."

"What about that fairy, or the Light Spirit? You've got them somewhere, right Hawk?"

"Um…lemme check…"

"…you lost a fairy from the Holyland and a god down your _shirt?_"

"No…just…misplaced…"

"I thought thieves had good memories for things like this!"

"You know what you need, Hawk? An organizational system. Take me for example: I know exactly where everything is stored on me. Round Drops under the left chest panel, Chocolates under the right armpit, Startdust Herbs and Puipui Grasses on my right. The Angel Grails were a bit tricky to store. I had to shove six of them down my – well, let's say my most private area is also the best protected."

"I did _not_ need to hear that."

"Hey, it's a basic military secret in the army, every guy does it. You should try it too, Hawk, it's great protection."

"I don't think – hey, this actually isn't that bad. I bet my defence just went up by ten."

"I am _so_ glad that I can't see anything right now."

"No, Riesz, yo should feel this! It's so good!"

"If either of you revives me with one of those Grails, I swear by the Goddess, the first think I'll do is stuff my spear up where that Grail was supposed to be."

"…You know, this doesn't feel as comfortable as it first did."

"Back to the problem at hand…Hawk, found a light source yet?"

"Um…got it!"

There was a blinding flash of light. For several moments they could see nothing but white, then it gradually faded to reveal a giant fur-covered face that filled a wall and was staring straight at them.

Hawk screamed, screamed like a little girl, and dropped the Fairy he had mysteriously acquired. It vanished into the new storage area the Angel Grail had created, plunging the group back into total darkness.

"That's it. If I survive this ordeal I need to take an Amazon purification bath. No worthy Amazon would want to remember what my defiled eyes were forced to witness."

"This might not be the best time to ask, but what does an Amazon purification bath involve?"

"The purest mountain water, powdered Stardust Herbs and the blood of a ritually-sacrificed male."

"Uh oh."

A red number appeared in the darkness. "What was that!"

"My spleen!"

A flurry of purple numbers erupted from the same general area. "Definitely a boss monster! Riesz, some help?"

"Shouldn't we have some sort of tactic to fight this?"

"Riesz, we're underground and fighting in pitch darkness against a monster sealed by your gods. I doubt any tactician ever planned for a fight like this."

"I doubt any tactician ever planned for someone to be stupid enough to get caught in a fight like this."

"Duran, any suggestions?"

"Yes – protection is a painful double-edged sword. When it breaks, it hurts. A _lot_."

"Not that type of suggestion."

"Well, I figured we'd just run at the monster and wail away at it."

"_That's_ your brilliant tactic!"

"Yes. Yes, it is."

"Now I understand why 'male logic' is considered an oxymoron."

"Riesz, will you stop sniping us with your snippy feminist comments and do something?"

"I _am_, if you haven't noticed."

"What?" Purple numbers were still appearing in the darkness but were now substantially higher. "How'd you do that?"

"You know those Harpy Fangs we found?"

"The ones you kept commenting about the biological impossibility of?"

"Actually, she's been doing that with just about _everything_ we've come across."

"Those poor, sheltered Rolanteans."

"Or is it Rolanteists?"

"I hate you all."

"So, about that Harpy Fang…what did you do?"

"I tied it to the end of my spear and started smacking this monster with it."

"That's…creative…"

"That's blasphemy!"

"Huh?"

"The only way you can use a Harpy's Fang _properly_ is by throwing it at the monster! You can't tie it to something to your spear to give it an elemental attribute!"

"You…can't?"

"No, you can only do that with claws!"

"…I'm supposed to throw my teeth at this thing to hurt it."

"_Obviously_!"

"…Right. I'm just going to stick with my method here, since it's actually _working_."

"Heathen."

"You know, I'd expect Hawk to be saying things like that. He's the one babbling religious psychobabble."

"Your methods are just so…unorthodox…"

Finally there was a flare of white light and the three could see. Riesz was standing by a giant carcass, looking extremely hassled.

"Thank the Goddess!" A tiny Spirit, wearing a green stocking cap, bounced down from the rocks. "I thought I was a goner!"

"Spirits can die?" Riesz asked sceptically. In the background Duran helped Hawk shove the carcass in Square's MBMCM(TM).

"It was a metaphor. Anyway, I'd be tickled pink to help you guys out! I'm Gnome, by the way, Spirit of the Earth. You must be the Fairy's Chosen One!"

Riesz stared blankly. "What?"

"Fairy's Chosen." Riesz didn't react. "You know, Mana running wild, Fairy chooses a hero, pulls the Mana Sword and restores balance to the world?"

"This…isn't ringing a bell," Riesz said apologetically.

"Er…you _did_ defeat Jewel Eater, right?"

"That thing? Yes."

"Only the Fairy's Chosen can do that!" Gnome looked extremely relieved. "Therefore, I offer you my services!"

"Well!" Riesz was pleased. "What can you do for me, Gnome?"

"Um, well…" Gnome suddenly appeared hedgy. "I can…offer you moral support!"

"That's it?" Riesz asked incredulously.

"Yeah, um, go Chosen!" Gnome abruptly flickered out of existence.

Riesz groaned. It was a said, said day when she had been forced to flee Rolante. She pointedly turned her back on Hawk and Duran, who were sitting in a pile of luc and throwing handfuls of it into the air, screaming, "WE'RE RICH! WE'RE RICH!" only to face Watts.

"You…met Gnome!"

"What in the Goddess are _you_ still doing in this Spirits-cursed hole!"

"You met Gnome!" His face glowed with shining admiration. "I'll help you out!" Watts pulled out a Magical Rope. "This rope will take you straight to the surface!"

"Wait a minute." Riesz's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You said you were lost. If you had this rope all along, why didn't you just use it?"

"Yeah…heh heh…funny thing, about that…"

* * *

Please review!

* * *

_Friday, August 5, 2005_


	15. Violence, Violence, And More Violence

Ahaha. Ha.

So this story's stagnated a little. Apologies! It wasn't until the trickle of review that came in that I realized that I really had to get back to work on it. Getting full-time employment in a foreign country does that.

I'm slowly getting back into the grind, trying to get some of that good humour back into the story; if this chapter is as hilariously funny as the last one, I'm sorry! I'm just trying to find the funny again.

Thank you in advance for reading this.

* * *

**Violence, Violence, And...More Violence**

During the trek out of the Dwarf Village and back to Maia Riesz was informed of her mission, after a stalled start. Mana was running out and there were various forces who wanted to harness what was left for their own use. It explained the attack on Rolante: the lady who ruled the thieves, Bigieu, wanted the Wind Mana Stone.

"And the only way I can do this is if I have the Fairy," Riesz said, deciphering whatever the Gnome was telling her. "Who, unfortunately, speaks only the language of the gods."

"The language of Square."

"Hawk, go talk to Duran or I'll teach you the language of the Amazons." 

"That sounds too interesting. What is it?" 

"Stabbing."

"Duran, share some latest news on the front!"

"Why me?" Riesz asked. "I'm just one person."

"One person supported by friends," Gnome said sagely.

Riesz glanced back at Hawk and Duran, then quickly refocused her gaze elsewhere. Dear Goddess, they were talking about storage space.

"You're also pretty unique!" Gnome added, seeing Riesz's look of disgust. "We need a hero who's able to think outside the box! Duran's too ingrained in the system they installed, and Hawk knows too much to be a lead character."

"What?" 

"Duran's stupid and Hawk's crazy," Gnome said, straight-faced. "Our second choice was the Altenan princess, but she's got that little sugar-happy girl with her and I think we'd all rather happily see the world explode than spend ten minutes around her."

"A little girl can't be that bad..." 

"She speaks in third person."

"Ouch." 

They arrived in Maia, not much worse for the wear. Riesz immediately stalked to Bon Voyage's house.

"THERE," she snarled at the bouncing clown. "We got your Goddess-cursed gunpowder."

Bon Voyage blinked. "Who are you again?"

Duran and Hawk stared in horror as the Amazon's temper finally shattered and Bon Voyage was eviscerated before their eyes.

"S...Square?" Hawk nearly whimpered, his own mind almost breaking at the thought of his precious Square laws slowly crumbling.

"Holy &!" Gnome swore as he checked out the damage. "She's really the Chosen after all!" When Wisp emerged to ask a question, Gnome frantically gestured at Bon Voyage's newly-widowed wife, walking into a corner. "Yeah, activate the back-up protocols! She'll do more damage if she goes rogue!"

"Can we put his body in the MBMCM(tm)?" Duran asked dumbly.

"I'm...not really sure," Hawk answered, now looking a little thoughtful. "I never really had the chance to test it out - "

"Please meet me out back!" Bon Voyage's pretty wife suddenly said, saving both males' lives in that instant. She walked out the door as they followed, Riesz being told to _calm the hell down_ by Gnome. "Just hop in, and I'll give you a blast!"

"If I didn't know any better, I'd complain about innuendo," Duran said as he climbed in the hole. Hawk and Riesz shimmied in, with no undue conduct that could possibly emerge from two males and a female trapped in close quarters. Somewhere beneath them they could hear a fizzing sound, but that was quickly overwhelmed by the boom that came close behind it.

Seven second into their flight, Bon Voyage's wife mumbled, "Oops."

The group landed, rolling and tumbling as balls over the meadow. Hawk and Duran were on their feet instantly; Riesz groaned as she slowly picked herself off the ground, wincing in pain.

"Is this Forcena?" Riesz grumbled, too annoyed to remember complaining about the logic of getting shot out of a cannon.

"Uh, actually...isn't Forcena, well, a kingdom?" Hawk said.

"This _is_ Forcena," Duran pointed out. He gestured over the grass-covered plateaus. "We're not called Grass Country for nothing." 

"Your king rules over this?" Hawk said in disbelief. "Then what in Square's name is Rolante like?" 

"No potshots over my kingdom, Mr. 'I Live In A Sandbox'."

"This is the Molebear Highlands," Duran went on. "The capital's...that way." He pointed in a vague direction.

"Well, let's get going," Riesz growled as she limped forward. "What could _possibly_ go wrong - "

Abruptly a blue hedgehog rammed into her, dealing 10 damage to her HP.

"Oh yeah, watch out for the Molebears," Duran added as he and Hawk automatically whipped out their weapons.

"Can they even _breed?_" Riesz asked as they hacked and slashed their way through the landscape, interspersed with money-acquiring from the MBMCM(tm). "Moles. Bears. It's like someone had way too much time on his hands when making things up. Or maybe he ran out of good ideas and got stuck with these."

"We just...always accepted them," Duran said. "Maybe it was the Goddess' will."

"Or Square's," added Hawk.

Gnome and Wisp carefully didn't look at each other during this exchange.

The hacking and slashing abruptly came to an end. Sensing that this meant that they would soon enter a city, the trio rushed forward, only to find Forcena in flames.

The group was horrified, their silence interrupted only by Gnome's narration: "Riesz and her companions found that they had stumbled upon Altena's invasion of Forcena!" 

"That's it," Riesz snarled. "I am calling _deus ex machina_."

* * *

_Thursday, November 1, 2007_


	16. Let's Make a Deal

100 reviews. Wow.

Aha. Sorry about how long this story is taking to update.

Frankly, I'm losing interest in the SD3 fandom. I'm doing my damnedest to finish this story, however, because I hate loose ends. (So, uh, please ignore any plot suffering along the way.)

* * *

**Let's Make a Deal**

The three heroes walked into Forcena, staring wide-eyed at the destruction. Flames flared up everywhere, so hot that even Hawk was breaking a sweat. Riesz thought that it might be easier to bear the destruction if she could hear screaming in the flames, the yell of battle, even the ominous footsteps of a mini-boss. Instead, all Riesz could hear was the loud crackling of flames as they hungrily ravaged the homes of innocent Forcena.

Oh, and that background music. Couldn't it play something a little sombre now and then?

"The king!" Duran suddenly yelled.

"I'm sure the king could wait for a moment," Riesz said, a touch concerned. Something similar had happened to Rolante, and her first thought hadn't been for the king - it had been for her father. "What about your family?" 

"The king!" Duran insisted, rushing as far forward as he could possibly go.

"We won't be able to get them, anyway," Hawk pointed out a little callously. He gestured at the barricades of blazing wreckage and fauna around them; only the wide stone path they were on was safe to walk on.

Riesz grimaced. "If there's any hope..."

"Dunno," Hawk answered truthfully. "Square's a little hedgy about killing NPC family."

The Amazon and thief rushed to catch up to the fighter, who was already pounding through the castle doors. Inside the pair were immediately met by...well, for lack of a better discription, animated chess pieces.

"Gnome, Hawk, want to explain what Altena was thinking here?" Riesz asked as the trio whipped out their weapons.

"I'm going to go with...irony," Gnome said.

"I was going with 'a really bad joke', but that's better," Hawk said.

Riesz waited for Duran's attack, then dodged the counter before smacking at the bizarre knight-shaped piece. Hawk came in, landing the vanquishing blow before whirling around to block a machine golem's attack.

"Duran!" Riesz yelled as she stabbed at the golem ineffectively. "What's the fastest way to the throne room?"

"Throne room?" Duran paused in mid-swipe; a red 18 flew out his back has he paused to consider it. "Uh, I'm not sure...I think we go downstairs, then take that side corridor into the main courtyard, then we'll have to go through at least three smaller rooms..."

"Okay, that doesn't make sense," Hawk said as he finished off the golem and hauled off the body. "Why do your castles have to be Square-cursed _mazes?_ Navarre's just as bad, but we're a _thieves' guild_. We're _supposed_ to be confusing." 

"It's tradition," Duran mumbled.

"Aren't you going to whine that it's Square's will or something?" Riesz asked, puzzled.

"Square wouldn't design a castle so complicated that it takes fifteen minutes of blind wandering just to reach the throne room," Hawk pointed out. "That's just flawed human design."

Gnome coughed.

"Castles do this because it makes it easier to thwart intruders," Riesz explained.

"Like us."

"Exact - oh, _touché_."

The pair found themselves defending Duran as they stumbled from room to room, fighting up and down stairs and corridors and at least one bedroom as the fighter - who had been in lifelong service at the castle - tried to fine the throne room. As Hawk had surmised, it took the trio fifteen minutes to find their way through the castle, and it wasn't even to the throne room. Nope, they had spent the last fifteen minutes risking their lives and hacking away at mechanical/magical enemies (and in Hawk's case, abusing Square's MBMCM[TM) to reach...

...a bathroom.

If castles weren't so steeped in history and difficult to take down and rebuild, Riesz would've seriously considered Hawk's snort of contempt and Duran's look of confusion as very good suggestions to do something about Rolante's castle. However, as the Wind Kingdom, they were nestled quite high up in the mountains, and it was a pain to bring in labourers and materials when half of them would die just getting to the location.

"I could swear that this was supposed to be the throne room," Duran almost whined.

"Yeah, well, when you say 'throne'..." 

"Hawk, don't start."

"Maybe it's the programming," Gnome was heard mumbling as he conferred with Wisp and the Fairy.

"What are you talking about?" Riesz asked curiously.

"Well, castles weren't designed with bathrooms," Gnome explained, "so how could - "

He paused, noting the looks of vague disgust and realization on Riesz's and Hawk's faces.

"Look, it's not like any guests would ask about them!" Gnome yelled, flailing comically.

"We had privies," Riesz said, "out of sight. And a courtyard with outhouses. It's not like the stench is a problem, being the Wind Kingdom and all."

"Unless Jinn's having a bad day." 

"Hawk, _shut up._ I don't hear your explanation." 

"Oh, you don't want to know our solution," Hawk answered with an evil grin. "Let's just say that when we give our targets all our energy, we really give them - "

"Don't finish that. Just. Don't finish that." Riesz turned to look at Duran, who looked lost and confused. "Uh, Duran?" 

"Um...would you guys step outside for a minute?" He looked embarrassed. "Just some...business to take care of. I think that last Puipui Grass was kind of bad..."

* * *

A relieved Duran stepped out of the bathroom ten minutes later to find his companions talking to the Spirits.

"Okay," Gnome said, rubbing his hands. "Since we've spent nearly half an hour looking for a room that might not even exist, I'm going to have Wisp here do a bit of fancy work to get us there!"

"_Might not even exist?!_" Duran screeched.

"I thought it was impossible to 'take too long'?" asked Hawk simultaneously.

"Why didn't you do this earlier?" Riesz demanded at the same time. "It could've saved us a lot of trouble!"

"Yeah, well." Gnome's hedgy look appeared. "Coding really isn't my thing, Wisp and Fairy are better at that. I got a good translator, though. And, y'know, we're not supposed to show our powers or anything." 

"What about magic?" Riesz countered. "Isn't that your power? If one of us was a magician, we'd be using it everywhere!"

Gnome's face suddenly turned extremely grim. The room seemed to darken and e swelled in size until he towered over the three characters. What should've been a blinding aura of power was the measly light Wisp gave off in comparison to his size.

**"Amazon."** Gnome's voice boomed, forcing the trio to their knees as they frantically attempted to cover their ears. **"Do not meddle in the affairs of Spirits, for they are subtle and quick to anger."**

[Laaaaaaame, the Fairy muttered as the room gradually returned to normal.

"Wisp, a bit of magic, if you please!" Gnome said, back to his regular happy demeanour.

Wisp floated over to the bathroom door and began to glow. Nothing happened for a few minutes, although it was obvious that he was concentrating really hard.

"Uh, Wisp?" Riesz asked. "If it's that hard, I can just open the door for you."

"You don't want to do that," Duran said, suddenly red.

Wisp suddenly moved away and nodded, or as much as a ball of light can nod.

"There you go!" Gnome said cheerily. "Go through that door, follow the passage to the main courtyard, up the stairs and you'll be in the throne room!"

"You're...really sure about this?" Duran asked, even redder now.

"I don't care," Riesz growled. She grabbed the doorknob and pulled it open. Just as Gnome had said, it was simply a long corridor, with a second door at the end. The Amazon raced through, Duran and Hawk just a beat behind her. Sheer frustration at her recent journey through the castle fueled Riesz to the second door, which she smashed open with a kick. True to Gnome's word again, there was a courtyard at the end, with grand steps leading into a large, dark doorway.

"Okay, let's - "

"Wait wait wait!"

Riesz turned around and immediately regretted it. The two of them were dealing with storage space again.

_"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"_ Riesz yelled, pointedly facing the entranceway. "We've got a kingdom to save!"

"We're low on Pakkun Chocolate," Duran patiently explained. He groaned as something shifted. Riesz _refused_ to even twitch. "Got to pull some out of storage before we tackle the enemy!"

"So _that's_ how you store them. No wonder you can't access storage during a fight." 

"Are we _done yet?_" Riesz demanded, biting back the urge to snarl.

"Almost - just - _ooh_ - a little deeper, Hawk - "

"Finished," Hawk said. Riesz turned to see him pop a Round Drop into his mouth. "Need one?"

"If I need healing during this fight, just let me die, okay?"

"Yeah, we're ready now," Duran said, embarrassedly readjusting his armour under Riesz's equally embarrassed glare.

The trio rushed into the entranceway, immediately entering a great hall. Amidst all the grand splendour the great hall - an expansive room that boasted polished wood, lush velvet and gleaming gold - were bodies of both Altena's and Forcena's armies, killed in numerous, almost creative, fashions. The first ones were killed by clean strikes of steel or magic, but as the trio gradually edged in the bodies were more battered and damaged, as though slowly beaten or bluedgeoned to death. The nervous threesome approached the door and noted that there were less Altenan bodies than Forcenan, although they didn't see any survivors. The great doors themselves had been blown off by a powerful burst of magic, and both sides who had been too close to the door had been caught in the blast.

Riesz, Duran and Hawk rushed through to find the throne room. Relatively unscathed, they did note the dead guards lying next to the throne - the throne that King Richard was sitting in and a wizard was standing in front of.

"WIZARD!" Duran roared. The three heroes rushed as fast as the weapons/stalking mode allowed them to at the blond man, but just as one of them raised a weapon to strike, he vanished and reappeared by the window.

"Oh, that's just not fair," Hawk muttered. "Teleporting?" 

Duran managed a weak crawl over to their opponent, but the man simply teleported again, reappearing near a wall ledge.

"It looks like we'll have to continue our talk later, King Richard," the man said, giving the group a nasty grin. He vanished again, this time gone for good.

"Your Highness!" Duran yelled, sheathing his weapon and rushing to his liege. After reassurance from Gnome that that wizard wasn't going to jump out of nowhere after and try to backstab them (which would've been _completely logical_ for a man who could easily do so, Riesz decided), Riesz and Hawk followed suit.

"Duran...oh, you survived," King Richard said.

"That's it?" Riesz asked Hawk quietly as Duran and King Richard had some hasty conversation. "No 'thanks for saving my life'? No 'where've you been all this time'?" 

Hawk shrugged. "NPC dialogue is a little weak sometimes."

The lights went out, then returned. In that moment the room was restored to order, with two new shining guards standing behind the restored king's throne. Outside, Riesz could hear typical castle sounds - servants bustling about, guards patrolling, etc. etc. Of note was Duran's slide show projector, which was arranged on the far wall, and King Richard proceeded to give a PowerPoint presentation on the Mana Stones, their locations, and juicy gossip about the remaining Spirits.

"Any questions?" Richard asked as the lights went back on.

"That was...really informative," Riesz said. "How did you know all of that? Even the Spirits didn't share."

"Did you bother to ask?"

"...well, no."

King Richard shook his head. "Kids these days," he muttered. "So impatient. Anyway," he said in a slightly louder voice, "I've got something that'll help your quest out a good deal, but you've got to prove that you deserve it."

"We just drove off a wizard that was going to kill you," Riesz pointed out. "And we've also got Gnome."

"And Wisp and the Fairy." 

"Those too. As one monarch to another, can't we just call it even?"

"What?" King Richard was clearly thrown off by this new proposal.

The Fairy and two Spirits in question appeared. Gnome covered a polite cough. "Excuse me," he said. "You guys mind just waiting in the corner for a few minutes? This'll go a lot faster if we talk."

Riesz frowned in confusion, but she allowed Duran and Hawk to lead her away.

"What's going on?" Riesz asked Hawk as the three of them cast glances at the party by the throne. All three deities were talking rapidly in quiet voices, with some gestures or nodding; King Richard was mostly nodding, but his gaze flicked from one speaker to the next and he appeared to understand what was going on.

"I don't know," Hawk said.

"He was the Chosen One last time, so he probably knows a lot about our quest already," Duran pointed out, which earned surprised looks from Hawk and Riesz. The fighter blinked back at them. "You didn't know? Everybody knows."

"Well...no."

"You could've brought this up before."

"You didn't ask!" 

"Point."

* * *

_Wednesday, March 2, 2008_


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